Late in the evening, after I had just finished a week of work, I headed over to the bar for one quick drink. The drive was short but relaxing and the idea of alcohol made it all seem better. Once I entered the bar the realization of the weekend had just set in. I sat at the nearest bar stool and ordered a drink. “Vodka on the rocks, please,” I nicely ordered. As I was waiting for the drink, my fiancé walked in with another woman! She was skinny, simple, but quite attraction, much like my fiancé was. As they walked up to the bar, I waited for some recognition. Minutes had passed and he was still in deep conversation with this unidentified woman. Finally, I got the courage to approach him. I walked slowly, but with confidence. I was going to tell him how I felt but try not to cause a scene. “Oh hi Tony, I thought you had to work late tonight?” I said. Startled, but with a nervous smile he answered, “Erin, how are you? Did you just get off work? This is my boss, Diane.” She didn’t seem much older than him, I wondered how she could be much more educated. But I shook her hand anyway, with strength through my hands. “I think we should talk, privately,” I said while staring into his beautiful blue hair, and grabbing his strong, tanned hand. And that’s what we did, for over 10 minutes while Diane waited at the bar and ordered more drinks. I strictly told him how I did not like that he was going for drinks with attractive woman, almost two months before our marriage. “Why didn’t you call and tell me you were going to the bar? If I would have known I wouldn’t of came alone,” I said, while still controlling the conversation. Finally, he apologized but first explained that I needed to meet his boss before I judged her. I responded, “I do not want to meet, but I trust you a lot and I just need to know that this isn’t a regular thing you do?” He confirmed that it wasn’t but I still wasn’t sure, so I told him I’d meet him at home. That didn’t particularly happen because he just proved that he loved me more than he cared about his boss’s happiness. As I was grabbing my clutch at my bar stool, I paid my bill and began walking out. Tony followed and said he was also leaving. He regained my trust, when it was slightly shaken from this small experience.
This is an engaging story with it's a uniqueness. It's intimidating as one big paragraph, I'd love a few spots for the narrator to pause and catch his breath. (afew paragraph breaks). I liked that he did the right thing, as I know we men are often obtuse and lame. For being short, it has a beginning, a middle, and and end, so kudos there. Overall an effective story. You could have set the scene a little more with loud music or drunken idiots.
ReplyDeleteI concur with Russell--a good story with a beginning, middle, end and conflict. Instead of telling the reader that the man walks in with an another woman, maybe you can show it by describing the scene in more detail and by focusing on the narrator's panic...if you explain how she is feeling we will probably understand what she is seeing!
ReplyDelete